Author Archives: LaDonna

three C’s

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Because having one successful relationship qualifies you to be an expert, I’ve decided to write a post for all my single and dissatisfied couple friends.

Hopefully you know me well enough to know I’m joking. I realize and respect that relationships are vastly different depending on individual circumstances. However, in the last few weeks a lot of people have been asking me the same thing, you guys seem so great together- what’s your secret?? The truth is, great relationships are intentional, and if there was a “secret” it would be hard work and perseverance. Getting started on what to work on can be overwhelming though, so I thought I would share with you three things that Mike and I have always chosen to focus on. This isn’t a magic formula, or a one-size-fits-all solution, but for us, these three C’s have helped us build a strong foundation and create an unshakeable bond, and hopefully they can help you too.

Commitment

Jesus answered, “Don’t you know that in the beginning the Creator made a man and a woman? That’s why a man leaves his father and mother and gets married. He becomes like one person with his wife. -Matthew 19:4-5

God’s plan for men and woman has always been monogamy- two people united into one, for life. The only exception He ever gave for divorce was sexual immorality. So once you get married, issues of incompatibility and personality differences are null and void. Before Mike and I started dating, we really prayed about it and made sure that we each heard from God individually that this was what He was leading us to do. Once we did, we decided to commit to moving forward in our relationship unless we specifically heard from God that we were supposed to stop. This commitment really helped us to feel safe and free to be ourselves in our relationship. When we had a conflict or disagreement about something, we never allowed ourselves to contemplate breaking up over it. We looked at these situations as in need of a solution rather than dissolution. We didn’t let ourselves get in the habit of threatening separation or withholding affection over trivial things such as Mike’s driving and my bossiness, and that is the number one thing that has helped us in our dating, in our engagement, and that I anticipate will greatly aid us in our marriage.

Care

 Care about them [others] as much as you care about yourselves. -Philippians 2:4

One thing that we’ve always tried to do individually is care more about what the other person wants than our own desires. That may sound like first grade, Relationship 101, why are you wasting my time with this paragraph type of information. But you know, it’s a lot easier to talk about it than to practice it. One reason is that these deny-ourselves-sacrificial opportunities don’t just present themselves to be seized. No one likes to appear selfish and push to have their own way, so in order to have a good relationship, we need to make the effort to truly care about what our significant others really want. Mike and I try to intentionally find out how each other really feels about things and consider the affects our personal actions will have. Another way we have to work at caring is to consider what makes the other person feel loved, their “love language”, as a lot of people call it. What makes Mike feel like a million bucks doesn’t really increase my dollar value, so I have to be intentional about showing him love in ways that are meaningful to him. One of my favorite quotes says, “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” Nothing makes me happier than when I see Mike happy, and it’s worth ten times the effort that I put in to making him feel that way.

Concentration

Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. -Philippians 4:8

Once, while doing some management training, I learned that it takes ten positive comments to outweigh one negative comment. Ten to one? Those are some crazy odds. In order to give an employee correction, we were supposed to think of ten positive things to tell them about their job performance in order to counter the one negative comment. People are far more likely to focus on the negative in life and in relationships, so Mike and I make a strong effort to concentrate on the positives- of each other, and of the relationship. Mike keeps a list of things he loves about me in his wallet and he regularly reads it during the day. He also has a list of our top moments that he reads frequently. On my commute I run through a mental list of great things Mike has done to show his love for me. I have post its on my desk that list my favorite things about him. It’s so easy to slip into thought about what annoys you or what you don’t like! Intentional concentration also helps keep you from temptation. It helps keep you from making comparisons and daydreaming about the unrealistic.

These are just a few of the things that have helped and strengthened us, and that we would highly recommend anyone who is dating or engaged to focus on. What are your C‘s?

a year ago today

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I added him on Facebook.

We had so many mutual friends, and I knew who his family was so when I saw his name pop up several times under the “People You May Know” tab, I just clicked add.  One day I saw a funny status, ended up looking at his page, and was smitten. I thought he was just the cutest, and I could tell he really loved the Lord. For a month I dreamed up ridiculous schemes to meet him. I prayed about it, I liked and commented on everything he posted, I despaired it would never happen- until one day I posted something about my computer not working and he left a comment saying that he would be happy to look at it. Yahtzee. I told my sister Sheila that I had a feeling he might be The One, so on this Friday last year we drove an hour out to Panera in Winchester to find out. It was a little awkward, it was a little fun, it was a little embarrassing that nothing was actually wrong with my computer other than it was a Dell, but it was worth it- I was sold. It took me a couple weeks to win him over, but I persevered.

Meeting Mike changed my life in such a powerful way that I know for sure that God brought us together. I’ve never been so happy. I’ve never been so me. I’ve never been better. Mike is my best friend, my biggest fan, my supporter and encourager, my Godly advisor, my one and only love. It’s been a big year for us- we met, we became friends, we fell in love, I got a real job, we went to Africa, we survived the winter, Mike lost 80 pounds and started working for my parent’s mission, we got engaged, we leased a townhouse, we’re planning a wedding and in 57 days we will begin our marriage! Big stuff, especially in such a short amount of time. It’s been fun, it’s been challenging, and it’s been a dream come true. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t compared it to what I was doing the previous year without him, and found that every day with him is better. Though today will be a challenge, because I don’t know if any day could be better than the day I met The One, a year ago today.

Oh I know this song won’t do 
Enough to prove my love to you 
In my heart you’ll always know 
There is a place only love can go 
There is a place only you can go 

the drinking aisle

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Growing up in Ghana, missionary life was all my siblings and I knew. This became very apparent one day at the grocery store. As my youngest sister and I made our way up and down the aisles, she grabbed my arm and loudly whispered, Look LaDonna, Mennonites in the drinking aisle!!! Embarrassed, I quickly hurried her away, because those weren’t Mennonites- they were Muslims!

If we are disloyal, He stays faithful, because He [Christ] can’t be anything else than what He is. -2 Timothy 2:13

Annabelle may not have been cultured enough to realize the differences between Muslims and Mennonites aside from their similar preference for head coverings, but she did know two things: Mennonites should not be in the drinking aisle, but Mennonites could potentially be there. This should-not-but-could is a disheartening reality for everyone- in relationships, at jobs, in politics, in the news- but not in Christ. Even if when we break our contract with Him, He can not stop His promises. To forgive. To accept. To heal. To restore. To redeem. That is who He is, and nothing you can do will stop Him from reaching out to help you live in the black.

your shoes

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A few weeks ago we had an appointment in our office for the daughter of a very famous man. One of my co-workers, a slightly older and somewhat eclectic man, was beyond excited to meet our VIP. The morning of the appointment, he looked like a completely different man- his hair was combed, he was wearing a suit and the grandpa glasses were gone! Everybody was suitably impressed and mentioned how sharp he looked until he got up from his cubicle and we all exclaimed “But Rob- your shoes!” Because he was still wearing the same dirty tennis shoes he usually wore, and that negated everything else he had changed.

Suppose you keep the whole law but trip over just one part of it. Then you are guilty of breaking all of it. -James 2:10

When I read a verse like this, it causes an inner panic. I become a hypo-sin-chondriac. I know more than anybody my shortcomings, so I wonder, what part am I tripping over unaware right now?? If I’m not careful, I often find myself slipping into a mental division of sins- small, medium and large. As long as I have zero in the large category, and keep the medium category to a minimum, then whatever is in the small category doesn’t really count. I can indulge myself in a little justified unforgiveness. I can spoil myself with a little exaggeration. I can treat myself to a little extra lust.  But that’s not true.

How can a young person keep his life pure? 
By living according to Your word.  
I have hidden Your word in my heart so that I won’t sin against You. -Psalms 119:9,11

God’s Word is the solution, the sure way to make sure even our shoes match the rest of our appearance. When we live by what it says, we ensure our lives, our whole lives, stay clean. When we memorize it, we prevent ourselves from making mistakes. The Bible is our dress code for living in the black.

-lf

plus five

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When I first started dating my boyfriend, there was only one thing that bothered me about him: his driving. I had never thought that someone’s driving could annoy me so much! I’m not sure why, but it drove me absolutely crazy. It was the only point of contention between us, and I know it frustrated him as much as me that I couldn’t just relax and trust him to get us there safely. A few months into our relationship, we were having a casual conversation and he mentioned that he had a plus five driving record. Plus five?? That’s incredibly good. You get one safe driving point for every year that you hold a Virginia license without any violations, and the maximum number of safe driving points you can get is five. So here I am, riding with one of the safest drivers out there, trying to direct him and worrying every second!

Understand, therefore, that the LORD your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps His covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes His unfailing love on those who love Him and obey His commands. -Deuteronomy 7:9

I have a great life. I’m very thankful for how God has blessed me, so I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, but I can’t tell you how hard it is to come to work and sit at my desk, day after day, while my family is in Ghana making a difference in the lives of so many orphans, and my friends leave on amazing adventures to experience cultures that I dream of. More than anything, I wish to be doing something that matters, instead of answering phone calls and making appointments. In my head, I know I have bills to pay and that there’s a reason I am here, at least for now, but so easily I find myself annoyed, wondering, God why can’t You just make it happen right away? Trying to backseat drive a God who keeps promises for a thousand generations. Worrying while being lavished with unfailing love.

Lord, those who know You will trust in You.
      You have never deserted those who look to You. -Psalms 9:10

Those who know, will trust. It’s as simple and difficult as that. So I pray, that no matter what is going on in my life, or what isn’t, that God would lead me to the place where trust in Him leaves no room for worry. He’s a plus five driver, and He will keep us safe and in the black.

-lf

get home safe

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I credit my reckless fearless driving style to being raised in Africa, where it doesn’t matter if the traffic lights happen to be working or not, people just do what they want. One night, shortly after getting my American license, I came to a yellow light. Taking a risk, I sped through it just as it turned red, and whomp whomp, flashing lights appeared in my rearview mirror. The officer came to the window and asked me why I hadn’t stopped. I politely explained to him that if I wasn’t home by eleven, my mom started to get worried and it was already 11:02. He nodded thoughtfully and said, “I understand, but what your mother probably really cares about is that you get home safe.” And then he wrote me a ticket. I was super disappointed, but I knew it was true. My mom would much prefer a few minutes of worry to getting a call from the hospital. As annoying as waiting at a light is, it’s necessary, because the goal of driving is to reach your destination- safely.

While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. -Hebrews 12:10-11

Whenever I try to talk to my coworkers about my personal life, there’s a disconnect. I had a girl I barely know literally yell at me when she found out that my boyfriend and I don’t live together. She was so angry because apparently, we are never going to know if we are compatible and that is the end of the world. By the end of her public outburst, I felt more than a little embarrassed, added to the inner guilt I feel every day when Mike makes a two hour roundtrip to see me. According to God, we’re at a red light until marriage, but all around me others are running that red light with seemingly zero consequences.

The law of the Lord is perfect. It gives us new strength.
The laws of the Lord can be trusted. They make childish people wise.
The rules of the Lord are right.  They give joy to our hearts.
The commands of the Lord shine brightly. They give light to our minds.
The law that brings respect for the Lord is pure. It lasts forever.
The directions the Lord gives are true. All of them are completely right.
I am warned by them. When I obey them, I am greatly rewarded. -Psalms19:7-9,11

Perfect. Can be trusted. Gives joy and light. Pure. True. Completely right. Greatly rewarding. It’s not fun at the time. Trust me, I know. But God’s commands are like traffic lights, helping us to not only get home safe, but to get there in the black.

-lf

wrong line

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Sometimes, when I don’t feel like driving to work, I take the train. Like a real train, with conductors and choo-chooing. It’s expensive and takes a really long time but there’s a second floor above the riffraff and I get my own seat so it’s worth it. My station is at the very end of the line, and it never fails to make me laugh when, as we pull in, someone jumps up with a panicked expression and says, “Wait- is this Fredericksburg???” Because there are two lines, Manassas and Fredericksburg. And even though it’s written on the side of the train and announced at every one of the ten stations on the way, This is the Manassas line train, all too often someone ends up thirty four miles away from their destination, confused, frustrated, and wondering how they could have been so stupid. The signs were there, but they ended up on the wrong line.

My dear friends, don’t believe everything you hear. Carefully weigh and examine what people tell you. Not everyone who talks about God comes from God. There are a lot of lying preachers loose in the world.

Election season is reaching the inescapable level, so while I was trying to watch my favorite talk show the other day, I was subjected to listening to a segment about how politicians were using religion to further their cause. Most recently, someone notable had claimed that Jesus approved of increasing taxes for the wealthy because, after all, Jesus said in Luke, “For everyone to whom much is given, from him much shall be required.”

 It made me laugh a little bit, and I really can’t say for sure if that was what Jesus meant or not, but it did get me thinking about all the personal opinions that bombard me daily- from politicians, celebrities, journalists, coworkers, friends, and people I don’t even know. Opinions so casually stated that they seem normal and acceptable, but upon deeper scrutiny prove to be diammetrically opposed to the Truth.

  • absorbed in an office conversation about someone’s relationship in a lifestyle that I am wholeheartedly against.
  • pondering quotes from (don’t get offended) Oprah, that are completely self-centered, a stark contrast to the self-less Gospel I believe in.
  • fanatically devoted to a show with zero value. just zero.

Here’s how you test for the genuine Spirit of God. Everyone who confesses openly his faith in Jesus Christ—the Son of God, who came as an actual flesh-and-blood person—comes from God and belongs to God. And everyone who refuses to confess faith in Jesus has nothing in common with God. This is the spirit of antichrist that you heard was coming. Well, here it is, sooner than we thought! -1 John 4:1-3

It can seem overwhelming, knowing what to accept and what to reject, but it’s really not. The key is, we have to be intentional. Don’t believe everything you hear. Test for the genuine. Because everything else has nothing in common with God, who lives in you. Because the end that you have heard is coming is here, sooner than we thought. Because in that end, you don’t want to end up on the wrong line. Because you want to end in the black.

coffee stains

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Maybe it’s just my guilty conscience, but I feel like whenever I hear a sermon about giving or read an article about saving money, the first thing they always say is stop buying Starbucks over-priced coffee!!! So after a little reflection and a lot of resistance, I calculated how much I could save a month and decided to give it a try. My decision was definitely enabled by the fact that I work with three coffee fiends. Morning, noon and night- there’s always a full pot in the break room and an open invitation to share. So I grabbed my creamer, a handful of Splenda’s from my final Starbucks run, my favorite snowman mug from Mike, and began “sacrificing”. The first week went pretty smoothly, zero coffee purchased with zero caffeine withdrawals acquired and I was feeling pretty good on Friday afternoon as I slowly counted down my final seventy three minutes of work one by one. Until I noticed my mug on my desk. There wasn’t really any way to wash it properly at the office, but I was able to rinse it out in the sink and I figured a little coffee residue never killed anyone. It’s lack of lethal influence may have been correct, but I forgot about the staining power of coffee. As I stared at the yellowed inside of my most favorite coffee mug- after only five days!- I realized that water alone wasn’t enough to keep the white enamel clean; I needed the power of dish soap.

Fortunately my mug wasn’t ruined, and so far I’ve faced no health risks from my experience. But I can’t lie that I didn’t feel a twinge of sadness when I first noticed the stain. I love looking at my mug on my desk every day because it reminds me of Mike- how thoughtful he is and how much he loves me. I didn’t want anything to spoil my gift.

God’s grace has saved you because of your faith in Christ. Your salvation doesn’t come from anything you do. It is God’s gift. Ephesians 2:8

God’s gift to me- to you, to everyone!- is salvation. I know when I put my faith in Christ, and realized that I now had a clean slate, that everything piled up on my record was wiped away, it was the best gift ever. But if I couldn’t get the slate clean in the first place, then there’s no hope that on my own, I can keep it clean. Sometimes, I get to the end of the week and realize that depsite my disciplined efforts to follow my Bible reading plan and pray for half an hour daily, I’ve begun to accumulate some residue. Maybe nothing that seems critical on the surface- I haven’t killed anyone lately. But I was pretty angry when my roommate turned on the dryer while I was sleeping. Little things begin to discolor and taint the beautiful gift I’ve been given, and I get frustrated. But there is a Helper.

You have been trusted with a wonderful treasure. Guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit, who lives within you. 2 Timothy 1:14

Water alone can’t remove coffee stains. Human effort can’t remove inner stains. We need the power of the Holy Spirit, daily, to help us stay in the black.

-lf

in solidarity

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One of my three flaws is that I like to complain. A lot. About things that can’t be changed. I like to think that it’s because as one of six children, my parents never had much tolerance for complaining, so now that I have a devoted boyfriend who hangs on my every word, I’m just getting it out of my system. What I love though, is when I tell Mike about something that I don’t want to do but I have to, he almost always responds with, “I’ll do it with you, in solidarity.”

I don’t want to get up at 5am and go to work.

–I’ll get up at 5 too, in solidarity. 

I want to eat dinner but I can’t.

-I won’t eat dinner either, in solidarity. 

I don’t want to clean my house.

-It’s not my mess, but I’ll clean it with you, in solidarity.

 In solidarity. I didn’t even know what that really meant; it was just one of those phrases I’ve heard all my life. It’s a union. Unity. Loyalty. Allegiance. Out of shared sympathies.  The act of sharing the feelings of another. Compassion. It’s not assuming that we understand, that we have the same problems, the same hurts, the same pains. But it’s recognizing that it happens to all of us. We’re all affected by ups and downs in our lives. To stand in solidarity is a commitment, to acknowledge the value of the problem and be there, because we’re all human.

Problems that I complain to Mike about are easily solved. I pull myself out of bed at 5, Mike texts me something funny, the day goes by and it’s over. It’s the problems that I don’t want to talk about that linger. The inner failings I’m embarrassed to share.

-I said I wouldn’t be rude to that coworker again but he slurped his coffee again at 7:23 and I told him exactly what I thought about it…

-I said I would pay my tithe regularly but there were just a lot of other things I wanted this week…

-I said I was going to fast but I didn’t even make it until lunch…

-I said I wouldn’t let myself get in that situation again but I did, I willfully went there and now I have to fix it…

Human solidarity can only go so far. There’s a limit to how much we can share, and how much another person, with all their weaknesses, can help us. But there is One whose solidarity is enough.

“We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality.

He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all- all but the sin.

So let’s walk right up to Him and get what He is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.” (Hebrews 4:15-16 MSG)

Fully God, fully human.

Fully understanding, fully sympathetic.

Fully available, fully willing.

Whatever you’ve failed at this week, whatever you need help with, whatever seems too overwhelming to handle alone, Christ is ready to stand with you, in solidarity, so that you can live in the black.

-lf