Because having one successful relationship qualifies you to be an expert, I’ve decided to write a post for all my single and dissatisfied couple friends.
Hopefully you know me well enough to know I’m joking. I realize and respect that relationships are vastly different depending on individual circumstances. However, in the last few weeks a lot of people have been asking me the same thing, you guys seem so great together- what’s your secret?? The truth is, great relationships are intentional, and if there was a “secret” it would be hard work and perseverance. Getting started on what to work on can be overwhelming though, so I thought I would share with you three things that Mike and I have always chosen to focus on. This isn’t a magic formula, or a one-size-fits-all solution, but for us, these three C’s have helped us build a strong foundation and create an unshakeable bond, and hopefully they can help you too.
Commitment
Jesus answered, “Don’t you know that in the beginning the Creator made a man and a woman? That’s why a man leaves his father and mother and gets married. He becomes like one person with his wife. -Matthew 19:4-5
God’s plan for men and woman has always been monogamy- two people united into one, for life. The only exception He ever gave for divorce was sexual immorality. So once you get married, issues of incompatibility and personality differences are null and void. Before Mike and I started dating, we really prayed about it and made sure that we each heard from God individually that this was what He was leading us to do. Once we did, we decided to commit to moving forward in our relationship unless we specifically heard from God that we were supposed to stop. This commitment really helped us to feel safe and free to be ourselves in our relationship. When we had a conflict or disagreement about something, we never allowed ourselves to contemplate breaking up over it. We looked at these situations as in need of a solution rather than dissolution. We didn’t let ourselves get in the habit of threatening separation or withholding affection over trivial things such as Mike’s driving and my bossiness, and that is the number one thing that has helped us in our dating, in our engagement, and that I anticipate will greatly aid us in our marriage.
Care
Care about them [others] as much as you care about yourselves. -Philippians 2:4
One thing that we’ve always tried to do individually is care more about what the other person wants than our own desires. That may sound like first grade, Relationship 101, why are you wasting my time with this paragraph type of information. But you know, it’s a lot easier to talk about it than to practice it. One reason is that these deny-ourselves-sacrificial opportunities don’t just present themselves to be seized. No one likes to appear selfish and push to have their own way, so in order to have a good relationship, we need to make the effort to truly care about what our significant others really want. Mike and I try to intentionally find out how each other really feels about things and consider the affects our personal actions will have. Another way we have to work at caring is to consider what makes the other person feel loved, their “love language”, as a lot of people call it. What makes Mike feel like a million bucks doesn’t really increase my dollar value, so I have to be intentional about showing him love in ways that are meaningful to him. One of my favorite quotes says, “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” Nothing makes me happier than when I see Mike happy, and it’s worth ten times the effort that I put in to making him feel that way.
Concentration
Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. -Philippians 4:8
Once, while doing some management training, I learned that it takes ten positive comments to outweigh one negative comment. Ten to one? Those are some crazy odds. In order to give an employee correction, we were supposed to think of ten positive things to tell them about their job performance in order to counter the one negative comment. People are far more likely to focus on the negative in life and in relationships, so Mike and I make a strong effort to concentrate on the positives- of each other, and of the relationship. Mike keeps a list of things he loves about me in his wallet and he regularly reads it during the day. He also has a list of our top moments that he reads frequently. On my commute I run through a mental list of great things Mike has done to show his love for me. I have post its on my desk that list my favorite things about him. It’s so easy to slip into thought about what annoys you or what you don’t like! Intentional concentration also helps keep you from temptation. It helps keep you from making comparisons and daydreaming about the unrealistic.
These are just a few of the things that have helped and strengthened us, and that we would highly recommend anyone who is dating or engaged to focus on. What are your C‘s?
